Conflict

Conflict is inevitable. We are all different and as such will have our own opinions, behaviours, thoughts and feelings. However, when these clash, conflict may arise. If it is badly dealt with, the conflict can get worse and can lead on to broken relationships, violence and even death.

Different people react differently to conflict. Some try to avoid it, some become aggressive, some simply give in to the other person. It is possible however, to handle conflict in a way that does not mean avoiding it or giving in. Likewise, it is not necessary to become violent or bully the other person into accepting your way of thinking.

What is conflict resolution?

Conflict resolution is about bringing an end to disagreements between two parties. Such conflict can be between countries, ethnic groups and religions. Resolution of such conflict is no easy matter. However, our concern is bringing an end to conflict within our own lives, whether it is between parents and children, friends, partners or colleagues.

With an open mind and a positive attitude it is possible to resolve conflict and achieve an outcome that everybody is happy with. As such, it is possible for conflict to be resolved without one person feeling they have lost, or feeling guilty if they did not give in. In fact, if conflict is handled well, it can improve relationships with others, as you are better able to listen and see another person’s point of view.

How to resolve conflict

You can follow the steps and ideas outlined below to assist you in resolving conflict in your own lives.

1 Communication

You need to be able to communicate with the other person to help you resolve your conflict. If you want to know more about good communication, take a look at my communicationarticle.

• Listen fully to the other person’s needs and concerns. Remember, everybody is entitled to their own opinions and these should be valued and respected. Do not assume you know what the other person is thinking. Nor should you assume they know what you are thinking. Try to imagine how it feels to be them; put yourself in their shoes. This way you may start to understand their viewpoint. Ask questions if necessary. You should summarise their needs to ensure you understand. Write down these needs.

• Next, explain your needs and encourage the other person to summarise these needs to ensure understanding. This is particularly relevant when resolving conflict with children. Write these down.

• When speaking, use ‘I’. For example, "I feel you spend too much time watching television", rather than, "you spend too much time watching television". This way you own the feeling and the statement becomes an opinion, rather than a fact.

• Focus on the problem and try not to let emotions take over. Keep calm. Personal attacks will get you nowhere.

• If you find yourself reacting particularly strongly to a certain issue, take time to reflect on why it means so much to you. Being able to identify your feelings will enable you to set them aside and hopefully approach the conflict more objectively.

• If at any point in the discussion you come to realise you are in the wrong, or have made a mistake about something, acknowledge your error, rather than letting conflict continue. Lead by example.

• If the conflict is particularly bad you may want an impartial third party to take control of proceedings, so the conflict does not get any worse. This person should allow both parties to have their say, without interruption.

2 Possibilities

Now it’s time to brainstorm. You need to work together to suggest ways of meeting both sets of needs. Think of as many ideas as possible. Write down all potential solutions, no matter how impractical they may seem. Do not dismiss any solutions. Respect what the other person says. You can both take a turn.

3 Solutions

Once you have a good list of solutions, allow each person to discuss what they think of them. Discard those that you both agree are unacceptable or unrealistic. Try to find solutions that you both feel are suitable. Remember you want a solution that both parties are happy with. Do not shout each other down.

From here you can tweak the proposed solution as necessary until it is something that can be easily implemented.

4 Implementation

Finally you need to decide how the solution is to be implemented, the role of each party and any deadlines.

Everybody must be happy with the outcome. It is no use railroading a person into agreeing with you, since the conflict is bound to rise again and again. Furthermore, that person will be resentful of you and this is not productive to a good relationship.

Struggling with conflict?

Counselling can help you cope if you have conflict problems in your own life. Find out more about my online counselling service.