What is communication?

It is said that communication is made up of 7% words, 38% how those words are spoken and 55% non-verbal cues. To communicate well with another person you need to account for 100% - everything that is going on. So not only should you focus on the person’s words, you should also be attentive to their non-verbal behaviour. Furthermore, communication is a two-way thing, so you need to be aware of how your own words and body language influence communication.

By communicating well, you are ensuring that the other person understands you and you understand them. It can assist in resolving conflict since you are able to communicate your needs and be aware of the needs of others.

Tips for good communication

There are a number of skills that you can develop to enhance your ability to communicate well. This way you are tuned in not only to the words, but how they are said and the non-verbal behaviour that accompanies the words.

Verbal skills
You can develop a number of verbal skills which will not only ensure you have understood what has been said, but will feed back to the other person that you are listening. If you watch a good interviewer on television you will see them make use of these skills.

Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing is where you put into your own words what the other person has said. You do this by using fewer words.

Reflecting 
Paraphrasing refers to the facts, whereas reflecting focuses on feelings, emotions and experiences. Here you reflect back what you see or hear. As such you are taking note of the non-verbal as well as the words spoken.

Summarising 
You essentially sum up what the other person has said. This is useful after the person has been speaking for a while.

Questioning 
Good questioning can ensure your understanding in a conversation. Try to make your questions open-ended. In other words, questions that require more than a one-word response. For example, “did you have a good day?” will likely give you a one-word answer, whereas “what did you get up to today?” should give you a longer response.

Non-verbal communication
Focus on what the other person’s body is saying to you. Also, think about your own body language. Non-verbal communication can sometimes give away what a person is really thinking or feeling.

Consider the following:

Posture – is it relaxed, slumped, upright? Is their posture open or closed?

Eye contact – is the person keeping good eye contact or are they avoiding your gaze? Avoidance may indicate sadness, embarrassment or shame.

Gestures - these include nodding, smiling and hand movements.

Facial expression – look for changes which differ to their usual expression.

Voice - pitch, stress, volume, clarity and the pace of the words spoken can make a huge difference to the meaning of what is said.

Remember you can use reflecting to check out if what you see is correct.

Active listening

When we listen actively to another person we are combining all of the above skills. However, it also requires listening to another person attentively without letting our own thoughts and feelings interfere. How often has it happened to you where you are saying something and the person comes back with “oh I know exactly what you mean, that happened to me" and launch into a story that is sometimes not even related to what you said. It becomes apparent that they weren’t really listening; they were just waiting to have their say.

Barriers to good communication

The following can impact on good communication. Bear these in mind when listening to another and think about how these may be affecting your own communication:

• Closed-minded attitude

• Making judgements

• Boredom

• Time

• Own needs

• Physical discomfort

• Lack of concentration

• ‘I know better’ attitude

• Disgust

• Prejudice

• Feeling threatened

Think about how it feels when you know someone is not listening to you. You may feel neglected and angry. In contrast when you know someone is really listening you feel that your opinion counts and what you say matters to the other person, whether they agree with you or not.

Communication difficulties

If you are having problems communicating with a friend, family member or colleague, counselling may be able to help.